Hard To Get To Know

Hard To Get To Know

Over time I’ve heard it frequently-the comment, “you’re hard to get to know”. I respond with, “yes, I know” and a sly smile. While refusing to take this as some kind of insult, it does shine some light on something I post a bit ago on social media. “Lifestyle public. Personal life private.” The exchange led to discussion about the concept of oversharing. I found it time to put together this entry. Much like anything I post publicly, I put a lot of thought into it knowing once something is post there’s always a way to find it.

Knowledge is very powerful. It can also be a weapon. In my experience disclosing too much information leads to a false sense of camaraderie. The power dynamic gets turned around with a new person thinking we’re pals instead of Mistress and slave. I’m not saying a friendship never blossoms out of a D/s dynamic. Though it is a rare human that doesn’t pull the, “friendship card” when being held accountable for infractions, misdeeds, and other negative behaviors. At the very least this is an annoyance. At the worst it’s outright dangerous with slander, stalking, and physical violence. Trust is built over time and not automatically given. The details of my personal life do not impact my ability to conduct my sessions. It’s called professionalism. Being a Professional Dominatrix requires diving very deeply into fantasies, how someone thinks, having the awareness to read body language, excellent communication, and managing energy-both the client’s and my own. If I don’t have control over myself, how can I maintain control over another human? My best and longest serving slaves tend to be intensely private people. The proverbial, “allure of the hidden” was the initial attraction to my world. Due to a firm grip on privacy, they trust their personal information won’t be bandied about online or shared with outside parties. I would never snap a session photo without explicit consent-even if it wasn’t shared online. It’s called ethics. If I decide to share personal information about myself, that is my choice. I make this choice according to what trust has been built over time. Make no mistake of thinking I’m a private person out of some shame I hold over being a Dominant kinky woman. I love being a professional pervert and am proud of how I make my living. My career has been made out of my lifestyle.

As a lifestyle and professional Mistress, here’s where certain waters get murky. Again, disclose too much information to someone who’s untrustworthy and the outcomes are the same as mentioned earlier. Events are tailored for kinky individuals to meet, share information, learn, and grow as people. This is a beautiful thing, and I have loved my involvement with and attendance at all sorts of kinky events. If it weren’t for these gatherings of like-minded people our interactions would be left primarily to words on a screen. Though the lifestyle is not all wine and roses. Untrustworthy and dangerous people do make it into certain circles. Due to our wanting to accept people for their kinks and increasing costs to throw quality events, it can be difficult if not impossible to ostracize the poisoned apples. The best that can be done is be careful, be aware, trust your instincts, and take time to get to know people. Removing one’s self from negative situations and people is unfortunately looked upon as, “being an island”. There is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to heal, work on yourself, and make choices that are right for you. I like to say I’m an island-one that has bridges and gates. Through time and experience certain individuals are allowed through. Becoming extremely discerning has meant connections run more deeply.

So, what do I want you to know about me? I’ve thought about this a lot since relocating from Chicago to South Florida over a year ago. Much like any woman who boldly lives life on her own terms and doesn’t seek approval from others, there’s a lot of misinformation about. What I want you to know falls into the value category.
1. Being interrupted or talked over is one of my biggest pet peeves. Not only does it show a lack of self control, but it shows a lack of respect. I discipline harshly for this. In non D/s interactions, I become very quiet to preserve my energy unless my speaking up is very important.
2. I never understand how humans can be bored. My philosophy instructor once said, “being bored means you lack the intelligence to entertain yourself.” A friend in the lifestyle says, “only the boring are bored, darling.” I value active minds, self starters, deep conversations, and those who research all manner of topics. The mind is the most powerful sex organ, and I’m a sapiosexual. Stating you’re, “bored” is a huge turn off.
3. A common misconception is if someone is quiet, they are somehow less or not Dominant. There are times where I’m very quiet due to listening to someone rather than merely hearing the person. Silence is often a great shield against narcissists.
4. Despite being a fetishist, I value experiences and connection over material things. Though if someone shows lack of respect for the things I’ve worked hard for, I do get angry.
5. I am wary of those who state: “I’m a gentleman”, “I hate drama”, “I hate gossip”, “trust me”, and “I am an honest person”. Those who have to make those statements are trying to either convince themselves, me, or both they embody those things or have certain values. Those who are gentlemen, dislike drama and gossip, are trustworthy, and honest live their lives accordingly. They walk the walk rather than needing to make loud proclamations. In saying this, I look for actions as they are far more telling.
6. There is a difference between being territorial and jealousy. If you become my property, I am territorial. This means I am protective of you as you have shown me loyalty, and embody other qualities I value. I am not jealous of what others have. Their hard work and sacrifices mean they’ve earned what they possess. Jealousy is counterproductive to life experience. If there is something desired, it’s paramount to take steps to achieve it.
7. I deplore passive aggressive behavior. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Passive aggressive behavior undermines trust-the foundation of any kind of relationship. A direct approach is always best.
8. Despite the serious tone of this writing, wit and humor is important to me. Just know your sense of humor may be different than mine.


Throughout my time as both a lifestyle and Pro Domina I’ve seen things change and shift. Certain elements have gone for the better, and of course, other things for the worst. In discussing day to day occurrences and highlights with other Ladies in the lifestyle and industry, the topic of accountability has come up frequently. As of late it has been brought up constantly.

To be clear I cherish submissives and slaves. It takes a lot of strength to acquiesce power to another. In any kind of relationship communication-and clear communication-is required. When power is exchanged clear communication is magnified, as the lack of it inherently puts people in danger and not the fun kind. This could be anything from not mentioning taking a new medication to failing to tell me text messaging is no longer ok between certain hours of the day. The latter resulting in compromising my discretion with angry phone calls from a vanilla spouse or lover. Though communication on my end has to occur when you’ve done something wrong. This is where the topic of accountability comes into the picture.

At one point or another all of us have hurt someone we’ve cared about. It takes a lot of strength to admit we’ve done something wrong. It’s awful to be told we’ve failed at a task, forgotten something promised, didn’t do something correctly, or messed up something. Here’s the thing…if you’re submitting to someone and/or being trained as a slave, you will do something wrong at some point in time. Hopefully it’s not on purpose to play games and get attention in a manipulative way! Hopefully the mistake is accidental and not intentional. As a Dominant I will point a mistake out. Atonement will take place. If you’re in my service I expect you to learn from your mistakes. In other words, you will be held accountable for your actions.

I’m not sure why this is such a difficult thing for others to grasp. Lately there has been a lot of lashing out and passive aggressive behaviors taking place. In my aforementioned statements regarding talking with other Ladies, I know I’m not the only one this has happened to. This is why I’m inclined to put together this post. If you’re submitting to a Dominant and being trained, part of training is to consistently strive to be the best submissive and/or slave you can be. There’s a learning process. I learn about your interests, strengths, how you communicate, and other parts of your personality. By putting my energy into being fully present during my interactions with you I see exactly which steps are necessary to shape you into serving me in the best possible way. Since I require you to be present, you must learn about my tastes, how I want things done, and my values. If you slip up, I tell you. It’s a time to realize what you’ve done wrong and change your behavior. It’s never the time to lash out, make excuses, and take out insecurities on me or any Dominant you’re serving. If you’re not held accountable for your actions, there’s no power exchange. It’s not D/s anymore. Lashing out and passive aggressive behavior is not only disrespectful; it undermines trust…trust that you can communicate, that you can learn from mistakes, are accepting and value the D/s dynamic, and don’t inherently have anger issues that could become dangerous.

This brings me back to my point about strength in submission. Being held accountable for your actions can be an emotionally trying thing. Think of it this way: you’re held to certain standards at your job or within your career. When you submit there are certain standards I hold you to as well. While play and submission is cathartic and a lovely escape from the monotony, mundane, and outside stressors of life; in no way should utter escapism and an inability to be held accountable for your actions enter the D/s equation. Doing so has a negative impact on me, and the point of your submission is to make me happy while enhancing my life in some way. To be blunt, if you have a problem with being held accountable, you lack the strength to submit in a positive and effective manner. Work on yourself to have this strength before attempting to submit to me or any other Dominant.