Throughout my time as both a lifestyle and Pro Domina I’ve seen things change and shift. Certain elements have gone for the better, and of course, other things for the worst. In discussing day to day occurrences and highlights with other Ladies in the lifestyle and industry, the topic of accountability has come up frequently. As of late it has been brought up constantly.

To be clear I cherish submissives and slaves. It takes a lot of strength to acquiesce power to another. In any kind of relationship communication-and clear communication-is required. When power is exchanged clear communication is magnified, as the lack of it inherently puts people in danger and not the fun kind. This could be anything from not mentioning taking a new medication to failing to tell me text messaging is no longer ok between certain hours of the day. The latter resulting in compromising my discretion with angry phone calls from a vanilla spouse or lover. Though communication on my end has to occur when you’ve done something wrong. This is where the topic of accountability comes into the picture.

At one point or another all of us have hurt someone we’ve cared about. It takes a lot of strength to admit we’ve done something wrong. It’s awful to be told we’ve failed at a task, forgotten something promised, didn’t do something correctly, or messed up something. Here’s the thing…if you’re submitting to someone and/or being trained as a slave, you will do something wrong at some point in time. Hopefully it’s not on purpose to play games and get attention in a manipulative way! Hopefully the mistake is accidental and not intentional. As a Dominant I will point a mistake out. Atonement will take place. If you’re in my service I expect you to learn from your mistakes. In other words, you will be held accountable for your actions.

I’m not sure why this is such a difficult thing for others to grasp. Lately there has been a lot of lashing out and passive aggressive behaviors taking place. In my aforementioned statements regarding talking with other Ladies, I know I’m not the only one this has happened to. This is why I’m inclined to put together this post. If you’re submitting to a Dominant and being trained, part of training is to consistently strive to be the best submissive and/or slave you can be. There’s a learning process. I learn about your interests, strengths, how you communicate, and other parts of your personality. By putting my energy into being fully present during my interactions with you I see exactly which steps are necessary to shape you into serving me in the best possible way. Since I require you to be present, you must learn about my tastes, how I want things done, and my values. If you slip up, I tell you. It’s a time to realize what you’ve done wrong and change your behavior. It’s never the time to lash out, make excuses, and take out insecurities on me or any Dominant you’re serving. If you’re not held accountable for your actions, there’s no power exchange. It’s not D/s anymore. Lashing out and passive aggressive behavior is not only disrespectful; it undermines trust…trust that you can communicate, that you can learn from mistakes, are accepting and value the D/s dynamic, and don’t inherently have anger issues that could become dangerous.

This brings me back to my point about strength in submission. Being held accountable for your actions can be an emotionally trying thing. Think of it this way: you’re held to certain standards at your job or within your career. When you submit there are certain standards I hold you to as well. While play and submission is cathartic and a lovely escape from the monotony, mundane, and outside stressors of life; in no way should utter escapism and an inability to be held accountable for your actions enter the D/s equation. Doing so has a negative impact on me, and the point of your submission is to make me happy while enhancing my life in some way. To be blunt, if you have a problem with being held accountable, you lack the strength to submit in a positive and effective manner. Work on yourself to have this strength before attempting to submit to me or any other Dominant.